* Thanks to Hannah for this forward!

Don't let this be you cuz if so, today will suck big-time!

I can't help it - I am a grammar nazi. Luckily I have a verbal filter so I don't correct every mistake that attacks my aural and visual senses but rest assured the misuses torture me. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my dad used to correct our grammar in mid-speech or I simply feel there's something lovely about speaking and writing in a grammatically correct way.

This is hilarious - back of a Finesse shampoo bottle!

* via BuzzFeed!

As is almost redundant to say, there's a fine line between programming and serial killing!!

I did much poorer than I thought I would. Advice: Go with your gut and let us know how you did.

* From Jonah via StumbleUpon!

This can't be real can it? I mean that hairline on the tattoo is too horrific to be real.

As Jonah said, "there are some really dumb and really smart people so you can imagine some dumb guy actually getting this done by an untalented tattoo artist or a smart person realizing this would be a funny hoax and drawing this terrible rendition." Agreed!

Please note that comments are now approved by a comment approval team who works earnestly and swiftly to approve comments based on guidelines of relevance and interest.

You comment will not appear right away but be patient, it will appear soon enough, if it deserves to.

Thanks!

I get lots of email from people saying nice things about my blog. That's great. In fact it's lovely. But I also get lots of emails from people asking me questions. And most of them are not little questions that I could answer in a few seconds like, "How much per month do you pay for blog hosting?" They are painfully vague, incredibly annoying questions that if I were to answer would require a lot of my time, thinking and energy which means the questioner is the type of person who 1) does not value other peoples time 2) is entitled because they believe that people are just willing to help them out! and 3) has a terrible understanding of social ties (i.e. your friend or friend's friend may be willing to help you out but you can't expect the same TLC from a stranger!) Why, I ask, I plead, I beseech, why are people like this?! Ugh. So deeply irritating.

Just one of several recent examples (I was kind enough to fog out her last name and email address - not sure why):

It really is a blessing and a curse isn't it, that I have a post entitled Kiddy porn:

When you do the NYT crossword puzzle, you learn about such fascinating figures such as Nellie Bly! The clue was 'Adventurer Nellie'.

Excerpt:

Burdened again with theater and arts reporting, Bly left the Pittsburgh Dispatch in 1887 for New York City. Penniless after four months, she talked her way into the offices of Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper, the New York World, and took an undercover assignment for which she agreed to feign insanity to investigate reports of brutality and neglect at the Women's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island.

After ten days, Bly was released from the asylum at The World's behest. Her report, later published in book form as Ten Days in a Mad-House, caused a sensation and brought her lasting fame. While embarrassed physicians and staff fumbled to explain how so many professionals had been fooled, a grand jury launched its own investigation into conditions at the asylum, inviting Bly to assist. The jury's report recommended the changes she had proposed, and its call for increased funds for care of the insane prompted an $850,000 increase in the budget of the Department of Public Charities and Corrections.

Halve yew ever thought, dam, I whish I could rite inn a whey that every whirred that had a homophone whir replaced bye that homophone!? That wood bee hilarious! Well hear it is folks. I am delighted about this gnu application and will yews it of coarse butt I halve too expose myself as a reel whirred nerd now - I will from thyme two thyme try homophonerating awn my own - sew fun!!!
---------
This text was homophonerated at http://homophoner.yacomink.com

Love the project Andy!!!

One was delightfully received yesterday:

"We don't know each other, but I used to read your blog for a while and stopped reading over a year ago. I had this dream about you last night though...I dreamt that I was interviewing to be your intern and you had me take a test that was part essay and part illustrating pictures with goldfish crackers. I realized that you were a genius. You laughed at how bad my essay was by the way. Thought you might find this amusing."

...and the other was from this post:

"I had a dream about you last night. Sorry to be creepy, but my dream is like this: I was at the local Thrift Store, browsing the used goodies, when I came across a children's book and it said "by Andrea Harner" on it and had your picture (who puts the authors picture on the cover of a kids book!?). Anyway, I was super excited, I purchased the book for 50 cents (sorry you're not worth more to my subconscious!) and proceeded to FedEx the book to you so you could sign the inside cover. You then FedExed it back to me. And I put it on a shelf in my house. The End! Once again, I apologize greatly for the fright you must currently be feeling."

People, please keep dreaming about me as long as they're hilarious, inspiring dreams like these! I will now get started on hiring an intern to help me write a children's book. Of course I will interview for this position by using the half essay, half goldfish cracker illustration method. I promise not to laugh at bad essays though and I swear I will price the book at more than 50 cents.

These Nigerian spammers are pretty clever! Embedding their deception in a file so it gets through spam filters - nice.

* I'm sorry, it's just hard for me to understand how anyone can be fooled by online spam.

** Thanks to Jonah for bringing this to my attention!

People are so very interesting!

* via Kottke.

Funny video from my brother:

I can't believe anyone actually believes this crap. So weird.

Can't wait until I convert. Then I can create cool menorah's like this one. I'm currently brainstorming ideas for a very cute and extremely small menorah.

I now know to look forward to Britain's Next Top Model and that food is disgusting these days!

When two people tell me I must let Dominick the Donkey shine on my site, I know not to question it. Here it is folks! Turn up your volumes for D the D to get stuck in your head for days.

Thanks to Jorge for his incessant pleas and genuine love for Dominick and to Mike for being the tipping point.

Save these for your BFFs.

Thanks to Chris and Pool Party for the link!

I used to use Missing Sync which worked until it didn't. Any other ways to do this seemingly easy thing which isn't at all?

Hugs and kisses,
Andrea

Wow. This photo never ceases to amaze me. We were so young, so intoxicated and so sassy - we dragged our deans into the photo - Firkie's in the right-hand corner and Harriet's to the right of me - oh, which one is me? Why, the only lady in gold, my friends! Rock on!! Dazed and confused! Youth!! High school really was fun. What I wouldn't give to hug everyone in that photo right now!!

Thanks for posting this Katy!

Guys,

What is the best clothing dye out there? I want to dye a thin, wool sweater and a cuoderoy jacket (I'm thinking I'll dip a paintbrush in the dye solution and paint it - is that weird?). Thank you!

Don't disappoint me,
Andrea

Did you know that Cellist Yo-Yo Ma forgot his 266-year-old, $2.5 million cello in a New York taxi??

He later retrived it but still...

* This post is compliments of my Fundamentals of Psychology textbook. You are very fortunate.

This is time well-spent, both for performer and viewer!

Wake up! It's your day of atonement motherf&%$@*s!

You're probably fine but these guys are in need of some serious atonement (via Kottke).

I have never seen the movie Silkwood but I have marveled at how cool Meryl Streep looked in it.

It's the hair, isn't it?

Or the 'tude:

Oops, wrong pic! Ha ha ha ha ha:

Considering a colonic?

"...death begins in the colon. Don't believe it? Ask any coroner. Autopsies often reveal colons that are plugged up to 80 percent with waste material." - Vegetarian Times, March, 1998

Oh, those vegetarians!

I have to admit that the idea of 'cleaning myself out' is enticing however I also understand the counterpoint that your intestines aren't your kitchen, as in something to clean out and organize.

* Thanks to everyone who shot me up with knowledge this weekend as I went from party to party, spreading the cheer and the question, "To colonic or not to colonic?"

** I've exercised rare restraint by not listing names of friends who contributed to this discussion. I suppose I can understand that not everyone would appreciate their google name searches yielding 'colonic conversation contributor' results.

...like this one of friend and blogger Katy!

I declare today September 20 to be the first ever "International Ban Booger Picking in Public Day". The impetus for this much needed declaration was the major offender sitting right next to me in the New School Quiet Room today. He was a well-dressed Asian guy who nearly made me vomit by using his index finger, with the occassional use of his thumb for leverage, to mine for gold. And then he rolled gold. It was amazing to what depths even I, who likes gross things more than most, can be grossed out.

The way to make this work is by shaming offenders. There have been numerous studies on shaming as the most effective way to curb behavior. Numerous. So when you see someone's fist up their nostril, scream, point and yell, "Booger picker! Booger picker! Booger picker!!!" And they will thank you. And the world will be a better place.

P.S. Asians, you aren't exempt from this ban. Sorry. Actually, you need to be more vigilant because there are clearly some propensities there.

This is for real.

P.S. Here's a great joke for people who know makeup and will enjoy conjuring images of Hotty Depp:

Q: What makeup do pirates like using to create their smokey-eyed, exotic and dangerous look?

A: NAARRRRRRS.

Thanks to Annie Maxwell for letting us know about this special day. Aarrrggg Annie, aaarrrrggg!

Peter SAAAAARRRsgAAAARRRRd.

Specially selected shots from our upcoming southern documentary.

Sally Christian Slater:

Sally Sylvester Stallone:

Lady Casual. Throwing down the peace sign. Is this a photoshopped work of art or just our lucky day??

Thanks to Amy Wood in Shanghai for the pic!

This is incredibly funny. You get your cell phone stolen and what the thief doesn't know of course is that you set up service for your cell phone photos to automatically upload to flickr! Voila, view your thief's people, surroundings and photographic inspirations.

via Kottke.

goes to...yours truly and her hubby Jonah!!!

In Kottke's contest to create a new mnemonic device since the 'death' of Pluto, we came up with one that frankly should have won but we'll proudly accept the award. As I fix the tiara on my head and Jonah and I take turns petting our trophy, enjoy our sophisticated wit:

Molesting
Very
Excitedly,
Michael
Jackson
Sucks
Underage
Nipples

* Now you know the order of the planets and that as Jonah explains, "Michael Jackson really did suck underage nipples, you know!"
** Thanks to Jason for a fun activity that clearly revealed the best in us!

Thanks to KO for the heads up!

Eeeew.

In all seriousness, what to do about pedophiles? I find myself thinking about their plight fatalistically as opposed to rehabilitatively. What can realistically be done to fix them, prevent them, help them?

I bet this "teacher" is creepy to the max.

Where the hell is Luxembourg and what is Luxembourg all about?? Now we'll know.

Over dinner the other night Jonah and I started discussing, "what country's people drink the most?" and thanks to Trusty Sidekick, we discovered a 2003 study showing Luxembourgians to own that title - much to the despair of Australians.

And if the ranking is confusing here's some analysis that will edify:

"As is shown in the table, the countries leading in total alcohol consumption per drinking-age person in 2003 were Luxembourg, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Ireland, and Germany. There were significant disparities in the level of consumption across countries among different types of alcoholic beverages. For example, although most of the leading consumers of alcoholic beverages drank significant quantities of wine, many drank relatively low quantities of distilled spirits. The leading beer-drinking countries were the Czech Republic, Ireland, Germany, Austria, and Luxembourg. Russia, Latvia, Cyprus, the Czech Republic, and Japan were among the leading consumers of distilled spirits. Ireland and Russia had the highest rates of heavy alcohol consumption among women, while Russia, Hungary, and Austria had very high rates among men. Portugal and Spain had high rates of per capita consumption, but, since they also had high rates of abstinence, the per capita number of very heavy drinkers was higher than it was for countries such as France with few abstainers."

Thanks to Jason's investigative eye we now know that beer shaped sausages exist in the midwest and thank god they do:

It's true and see these guys blog it and eat it. Awesome:

Who knew that this little girl would grow up to become a blogger? It was actually written all over the socks. This little girl is Katy, my friend from high school and an East Coast defector who is now West Coast and loving the LA life. She's a lover of fun 24/7 and celebrity 25/7- those of you who obsess too much with celebrity, you've met your match! You can check it all out on KatyOliver.com!

Looking back at our time at Choate when we were nice, bad girls who took too many pictures - it's obvious we were simply photo bloggers in training.

Congrats on your blog, Katy!

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

The Godfather

The Humpty Dance

My mom and I have a great system worked out. She buys delicious designer handbags nearly 20 years ago, thoroughly enjoys them, then passes them onto to me when they're nicely vintage!

Nice teamwork! Yay, us!

Thanks Mom for being a lover of designer handbags! It's proof enough I'm your daughter.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." - Woody Allen

Ain't that the truth!

Viva Italia!!! Viva! Viva!

In celebration of the Italian World Cup win...here are some Italian sumo wrestlers for you:

It's amazing, the opportunities that present themselves (in your inbox)!

Kindly submitted by a punctuation teacher:

Now we can:

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." -Maggie Kuhn

Yes, I feel your enthusiasm for this post! Rest assured, a lengthy series of 'Today's Spam Higlights' posts to follow!

Paste a 20" x 22" sign on the back of your front door saying,

DID
YOU
REMEMBER
TO
PUT
DEODORANT
ON?

It's a tone that middle aged and older people supposedly can't hear so youngsters are using it as their ringtones in class!

Warning: If you can hear this, it's highly irritating.

Via Huffington Post.

See the first ever earth sandwich mission!

We have Ze and his followers to thank for this radness.

rubbed some essential oil on your wrist that initially smelled good and then immediately regretted it? And then, every time you catch a whiff you feel like puking?

Try it sometime!

It's memorable.

I'd love to know.

Are Aerons really the only answer?

Help.

My back hurts.

Did I just invent the greatest saying or what?! No google search returns so consider it an AndreaHarner.com original.

The energy it requires to be an inventor such as myself is exhausting.

David Copperfield has won me over.

Excerpt:

The illusionist and assistants Cathy Daly and Mia Volmut were walking near CityPlace toward their tour bus parked at the Kravis when thugs approached them about 11:15 p.m. The group had gone to a steakhouse for dinner after Copperfield's sixth and last show here.

According to the police report, this is what happened next: The Malibu pulled up behind the group, and two of the four young men in the car came out holding handguns. One ordered Daly to "give me what you have." Daly handed over $400 from her pockets. Riley, meanwhile, allegedly stuck a gun in Volmut's face and asked for her purse, and she, too, gave it up. In it were 200 euros, $100, her passport, plane tickets and a Razr cellphone.

When Copperfield's turn came, Riley was bamboozled.

Copperfield told Page Two he pulled out all of his pockets for Riley to see he had nothing, even though he had a cellphone, passport and wallet stuffed in them.

"Call it reverse pickpocketing," Copperfield said.

via Kottke.

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." - George Carlin

Passover begins at sundown.

Italy's reputed No. 1 Mafia boss, Bernardo Provenzano, was arrested Tuesday in Sicily, the Interior Ministry said.

This is the weirdest post. Where did it come from? I tell you, my readers, it's as if I'm just a vessel and something larger than me, than even us!, composed this immortally nonsensical post.

Guys, notice anything different? If you don't, you have some serious problems.

AndreaHarner.com finally feels comfortably clothed and she has Cat Savard, a talented and cool designer in Australia to thank!

If your site is screaming for a makeover, don't hesitate to contact Cat! And don't worry about her being far away because obviously greatness can be achieved transpacifically.

Please leave comments if stuff isn't working right. Thanks, team.

"A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." - Martin Luther King Jr.

What a fantastic quote.

"I once sat next to a kid in grade school who collected his boogers on a piece of paper. At the end of each week he would take it out and draw a circle around the significant ones.

I don't think I ever learned what their significance was."

This is not just a random story shared by Kenyatta but in response to the post below.

"Be who you are and be that well." - Saint Francis de Sales

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color PURPLE and don't stop to notice it. - Alice Walker

Again, thanks to Gmail for combing through my emails and displaying links they think will be of interest to me, we have a whole page of funny quotes by Rita Rudner.

Sample platter:

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Thanks to the charity of the Thrillist guys and my buddy Duncan, this piece of art made its way to me today. Thanks guys.

"One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

I didn't have a card for Jonah so my brother sent me this. Just the sentiment I was looking for. Thanks bro.

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." -Quentin Crisp

"For obvious reasons, atheists have to take very good care of themselves.” - Unknown

You're thinking, "Finally, Andrea's voiced the question we all ask ourselves!" right?

Mine would be Illustrator.

Who knew??!!

* The inclusion of the Thrillist email was not paid for by the Thrillist guys - I just gave that to them for free!

** Yes, I get a lot of spam so when you search for cum for example, endless emails show up - hard to find the exact one I'm looking for.

You might want to rent seasons 1 through 4 on netflix and check it out*.

* Aka, "Hey best friend! You should try crystal meth some time!"

I'm crying.

My parents were kind enough (Thank you, Thank you!) to give me and Jonah the gift of a projector for Christmas. I haven't bought one yet and am wondering if you all have any recommendations? Thanks.

One of the hardest things for me to believe, to wrap my head around, to even begin to comprehend is...how someone can not like like garlic.

I've never met such a person but I know one exists...one lurks.

Anyone out there that doesn't like garlic? Please please explain. I am desperate to understand you.

We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. - Stewart L. Udall

I don't think this post has anything on this oldie but goodie though.

Compliments of Flickr.

BTW, the second from the last photo was taken on my birthday...how sweet.

Andrea Xiaoli Harner is a graduate student of Forensic Psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. In addition to forensic psychology, she loves animals, Japan, weird and cute things, and her husband Jonah Peretti. Upon graduating from Wesleyan University she worked in event production and marketing for several years. Before that, she graduated from Choate Rosemary Hall high school after attending international schools in Kobe, Nagoya, Tokyo and Taipei. She was born in Hong Kong.

Disturbing could only begin to describe this.

Way to finally play a part in your son's life, Dad! Go Dad!

It's what I am. I fiend for cuteness, love the cuteness and need the cuteness so bad but then I can never get enough so I weep.

My favorite site on the Internets.

Thanks to Jamie Rollins for for feeding my habit and for putting before me the kindest, most potent junk.

To all the people who read this post and have since emailed me (and future emailers too!) asking me where they can purchase toilet seat warmers, I'm sorry, I do not know. I don't have any more information on them or how to acquire them than you do. All I know is that I grew up sitting on them and love that in Japan they have great ones.

Sorry and thanks for reaching out,
Andrea

Now, the following buttons don't work:

J
T
Z
1
8
!
*

And there's no more backlight...just natural light during the day and natural darkness at night.

This is what I play on repeat when I babysit. Let me know when you want me to start as your nanny.

There are no images more divine, tantalizing and sweet to me than:

FYI.

Anyone want to buy a great photo editing tool for 40% off its retail price - cheapest you'll find anywhere? I have one, unopened to sell for $54.00 plus insured shipping costs within the US which equals $60.00.

It looks like this:

Please email if interested. First come, first served.

A friend who was recently diagnosed has started a blog that's worth checking out.

But be warned, it is *very* exclusive...

This website is for Harry Potter fanatics only. We have investigated many mysteries of the Harry Potter books, and this website will give you the answers to all of your problems. THIS BLOGSITE IS ONLY OPEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE READ HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!

If you can get past the metaphorical doors to entry, you can enjoy Mysterious-Mysteries by none other than Willa Rubin (and her friend Elena) whom I'm proud to say got her blog start on this site!!

Thanks to Sally Rumble for loaning us this picture from her mantlepiece.

Eating fish regularly delays dementia.

You can also pop these pills - I do!

Update: This is unfortunately true!

These were sent to me by my darling brother Edward Harner as he knows what an animal lover I am! Anyway, I nor the people I sent these onto have been able to purge them from their minds. Is this real? Is this photoshopped? I personally think these have authenticity stamped all over them...I mean, look at the person, presumably woman standing behind the pooch in her pink slip ons...you can't fake that realness.

Here's to sharing horrorific imagesl!!

Jesus people, it's baby time, isn't it?! It's quite delightful actually, all these cute and weird little beings.

My scrupulous readers will have noticed that a commenter who goes by Yay Dogs (real name = Hannah Cloud Sharpless Graff, we're college buddies) has been suspiciously absent recently. Reason is that she's been birthing...this!

Congratulations to Hannah, John and their families!!!

Congratulations especially to Nathaniel on getting your name into Google at such a young age!! You should be proud and you shall thank me when you're older.

One can only dream of having these search results for your name:

THE KIDNEY-SHAPED STONE THAT MOVES EVERY DAY by HARUKI MURAKAMI.

Valentino on Paris Hilton: She is vulgar and she is not even pretty...

Hot damn!

Bon Jovi on Tom Cruise: He's lost it!

Keep it coming you guys! Stay brave. Keep it real.

* via HuffingtonPost.com.

Not as good as 'How To Make Sucky People Vanish' but we've gotta start somewhere.

My feet and my time are certainly worth more but I'm going to go for it!

This is where Jonah and friend Tim Shey lived a few years ago...look at it now.

Thanks to my buddy Mary Patterson for this link!

We're thinking of vacationing in New Orleans for a few days...

Any recommendations on where to stay?

Any advice on what to see and what to avoid?

We've gotten amazingly cheap flights (who knew?) so we're psyched!

Update: This is a dream car - both because it's unaffordable to me and it's not the car I would get if I were ever to buy a car. I would buy the most environmentally friendly car available. There. This Jag is beautiful though isn't it?

AND IT IS!!!

The exact car I want:

The back side of this thing makes me want to...

start a wishlist of one.

I just got an email from someone I was friends with while at Taipei American School during my 7th & 8th grades. The great thing about this email is that it reminded me of something I had forgotten...

I USED TO BE A CHEERLEADER.

...we had our outfits designed to show our belly buttons...

You know, I've been waiting to say this until after the trial out of fear of appearing superficial but...Michael's been looking more handsome recently!

Thanks to Kenyatta for reminding me of Joi's post addressing this comment issue: This blog is my living room and if you can't behave, I'll ban you.

Well said.

So which is worse? Michael Jackson showing up in his pjs or this guy?

This guy hands down (hairs up).

via HuffingtonPost.com.

Yay! I am thrilled that this great piece of work exists!

I completely empathize with the predicament and couldn't agree more with the proposed solutions.

It's worth checking out. I promise.

Now let's all get busy becoming disciplined, creative, productive people!

Thanks to Rubin, a new commentor on this site for this great link!

There's this great site called google that's sort of the know-it-all of the Internet...

Go to www.google.com and enter photo blog and what's the #1 search result??

Voila!

I've always hovered between 1 and 3 but now it feels official since Google has come up with their own description of me!

...but the description is not really accurate. Although I once was a young finance industry worker, I am no longer working in finance or as young! Also, my interests extend beyond politics and travel...but hey, I'm not going to bite the hand that feeds me...just a little gnaw.

Those who know me well know that I like gross things that make me go eeewww...like this story about the worst case of stink plane...enjoy!

"Suddenly I was whisked away from the bowels of the stinkiest plane on earth to the tasty hills of columbia."

* via kottke.org.

I accidently erased your msg. Please call me back. Thanks and apologies!

More apologies to my readers for this boring but hopefully effective post.

I was at B & N the other day when I "found myself in" the Self-Help section picking this up:

The very first page is filled with quotes like these:

"I have been a successful actor for more than twently years and Scientology has played a major role in that success. I would say that Scientology put me into the big time." -John Travolta

"In Scientology you can find answers for anything you could ever think to ask. These are not pushed off on you as, 'this is the answer, you have to believe in it.' In Scientology you discover for yourself what is true for you." -Jenna Elfman

"Scientology is the gateway to eternity. It is the path to happiness and total spiritual freedom. Until one has experienced the technology of Scientology it's unlikely that one will ever experience these wonderful discoveries. I know because it has worked for me. The more time and effort I invest, the more I receive. I highly recommend it." -Isaac Hayes

Could Scientology really have all the answers and be the gateway to eternity?!

Going forward, please, as responsible readers, please please read between my lines and be on fire engine red alert for my slippage into Scientology...the gateway to eternity, where all the answers lay, the path to happiness and total spiritual freedom...

This is too much fun and computers are really smart.

Play 20 Questions with the computer.

It's cool to see its critique of your answers to its questions.

* I've purposefully not granted the computer a gender...only "it".

Fellow Mensans,

There's one question that is stumping me!!

In the early 18th century Mrs. Abigail Eischrank of Cambridge, MA, gave birth to thirteen children. Exactly half of them were girls. Explain.

Please don't say, "one was a hemaphrodite!" or "one was still born." I just don't think that's it. Only non-retarded answers will be included in the brilliant thread of possible answers.

These cards were a great gift to Jonah by Chelsea and they do not contain answers therefore I'm asking you.

Thanks!
AH

This is embarrassing to admit, but we thought you didn't like us. So while we Jews were controlling the media, we tried to avoid putting actual Jewish characters in front of you. Seinfield, sure. But we made George Costanza Italian. We gave Craig Kilborn a talk show.

But now that you've spent about $200 million to laugh at Ben Stiller's mega-Jewish parents dealing with his WASPy soon-to-be-in- laws in "Meet the Fockers," we feel comfortable showing you our big Jewish selves. Philosemetism, which is so new we had to invent a word for it, has led to a whole new genre: Jewsploitation.

In addition to "Fockers," there's the movie "The Hebrew Hammer," Heeb magazine, Jewcy clothing, Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" and his animated film "Eight Crazy Nights," and an upcoming collection of bar mitzvah stories called "Bar Mitzvah Disco."

The fact that young Jews in Hollywood feel comfortable creating Jewy characters isn't surprising. That's what happens when you forget to stop scaring us. You let us into your country clubs, gave us your women and encouraged our most annoyingly self-righteous member to run for president. So now that we've assimilated to the point where we're completely the same as white people, we're trying to re-create a community by shoving our culture down your throats. The bizarre part is that the same masses who saw "The Passion of the Christ" are into it.

With "Meet the Fockers," otherwise sane people in red states were willing to fork over $6 -- or however much they pay for movies in their Third World economy -- to hang out with my parents for two hours. The success of "Meet the Fockers" shows that America is familiar and comfortable enough with Judaism to get the jokes. Al Jazeera may be right.

The stereotype in Jewsploitation isn't the neurotic, nervous Jews of Woody Allen films, which you guys never seemed to like much. The Jews in "The Fockers" are loud, inappropriate, obsessed with sex and bodily functions, overly affectionate, liberal, earthy and smothering.

These traits seem to amuse people who don't get two helpings of it a day from parents who can't seem to understand that this is precisely why we moved 3,000 miles away to Los Angeles.

But they are also the traits that eventually teach the WASP parents in "Fockers" to loosen up and enjoy life. It's the same function black people perform when they are forced to be in movies with Steve Martin. Blacks do voodoo; Jews do therapy. We both are portrayed as clownish people who eat too much, talk loudly, rebel against authority, use colorful slang, over-emote, are too in touch with our bodies and are clannish. We happen to be the only two groups of people in the world who don't just pretend but actually enjoy jazz.

Josh Neuman, the editor of the Jewsploitation magazine Heeb, is concerned about this new role. Then again, like most Jews, he's concerned about everything.

"It's a kind of a fetishization of the Jew," he said. "In the middle-American mind, Jews are beloved people. They're a special kind of Christian. They're like babies. They haven't yet matured into full-fledged humans. I don't think it's 'Meet the Fockers' today, Kristallnacht tomorrow. But I don't think kabbalah is a good thing."

Neuman has a point about this fetishization thing. Like the assimilated Ben Stiller character who marries Teri Polo in "Meet the Fockers," super-WASPy women seem to be into us. Suzanne Somers once told me that Jews make good husbands because we have good relationships with our mothers.

Good relationship, suffocation, what's the difference? The point is Suzanne Somers likes us.

And I love Jewsploitation. It's what we were doing already anyway. When you belong to a people who can completely pass as white, you have the luxury of exploiting your difference when it's to your advantage and hiding it when it's not. It's why we crafted this clever but adorably harmless image. We've infantilized ourselves. Because hot WASPy chicks love babies.

+++

Thanks to my Pops for sending me and Jonah this...it's truly hilariously true! :-)

Thanks to my friend Hannah for forwarding the photo...not to mention LOL!!!

I'd guess that if you take this test without any clue as to how emotionally intelligent you are, your EQ's probably not very high. I'm not like that. I'm on the other end of the spectrum - hyper emotional and hyper aware of my emotions. You could argue that this condition is just as handicapped as being emotionally retarded...you could! But just let me revel in the height, the elevation, the apex...that is my EQ!

As for my IQ...I didn't want to make my EQ look bad.

LOL.

Thanks for the link, Melinda!

My number of posts has reached 666.

Let's all think about that for a long, hard second.

If you see me today, please hold me and never let go. The devil in me could use it.

Tootles!
Andrea

My friend Celeste who is working on her PHD at Princeton told me tonight that condoms are not nearly as accessible as you would think in this day of safe sex promotion. A student can obtain a condom or ten (really depends on the evening's plans) by knocking on their RA's door and asking. Then Princeton's "condom policy" dictates that the RA must accompany the condom giving with a talk on abstinence. Isn't this odd? I remind you that Princeton is a university, undergrad and grad...and we are quickly approaching 2005.

Are there any other colleges out there like this? Do tell.

BTW, my friend Celeste is not in the habit of surveying condom availability in universities however the topic of condoms came up one day and as any over educated, inquisitive friend of mine would do, she researched and researched (exaggeration) and found a stiff, old, conservative Princeton.

It must have been really really really hard everyday for Jonah's mom to see those big blue eyes, curly brown hair and brilliant inquisitiveness.

I think I'm going to be the smothering type of mom...my poor future kiddies.

Thanks to Jonah's mom for this exquisite pic!

This video is a little strange. I mean, not out of this world strange...just 'girl with poodle cut muscles exercising with poodle people' strange.

I'm counting on you people to please explain this video...check out some excerpted pics:

Thanks to Janice for the link!

I just watched my first ever South Park episode. It was about Paris Hilton and it culminated in a Town Whore-Off.

I never realized how funny this show is. Where was I during the initial craze? What was I doing? Blogging? Mother%&!$!>?!

If anyone finds a link to this episode or clips from the episode, send me a link please.

Thank you! Go South Park! Go whores!

The Jerry Seinfeld Dictionary of Terms and Phrases

*thanks to Kottke.org!

When I'm an old lady I hope to still wear aubergine heels (bunions become a real problem at that age)...

If I don't have long flowing hair, then I want this hair-do:

I also wish to be a lady relentlessly on the run even if it's to nowhere and always dashingly dressed in my favorite of colors, purple:

Yay!! Comment like crazy, folks! An enormous thanks to the Fruminator!!

I've been hounded by emails asking why oh why, have I put ads on AndreaHarner.com??? So many emails in fact that I've had to load balance my email server-that's a geek joke-but it's all wrong, I think.

You know why I have put ads on my otherwise sophisticatedly designed site? The answer is that times are tough so the extra dollar makes it well worth selling out.

This has been an AndreaHarner.com cry for help.

It's really just a brilliant, hilarious and over everyone's head experiment.

People say spammers are heartless. Well that's not fair to the dentally fixated freaks.

Waiting in my inbox upon my return from a fun-packed weekend in the Catskills involving tubing, ski-lift riding, hiking, wine-tasting, playing 'monkey in the middle' in a pond and almost horse-back riding, was this email:

For the record, my dental record: 7 fillings (silver), 9 crowns (gold), 1 cap (platinum and 1 ct diamond) and 11 root canals (not very painful-people just like to exaggerate).

Sometimes presentation can really affect the look and feel of something.

Would you rather have a cute bird headed corn on the cob...

or a chopstick stabbed corn on the cob?

Every time I check my Citibank credit card statement online this image pops up before me and I'm convinced I'm looking at Jennifer Aniston in a colorful hijab.

Way to safeguard your sexuality, J Ani!

Just took the test and it confirmed what I guessed.

I'm an ENFP. What are you?

If you're a fellow ENFP, described as The Inspirer type (wishing that were The Inspired type) you may find these interesting:

Portrait of an ENFP

Careers for ENFP

ENFP Relationships

ENFP Personal Growth

Thanks to the conspiratorial team of Chelsea and Della (victim's sister & mother) we can all enjoy boy pics of Jonah, scanned in Oakland, uploaded in NYC and brandished upon the world.

I've not been charming since this sudden onslaught of cuteness + hilarity. I've tried smothering Jonah with a pillow because it's his fault and I'm clawing people that come near me.

via Chelsea's blog

Chelsea Peretti is not an easily satisfied lady.

Most people are ecstatic that they know how to type and work a mouse!

A more select few are shitting themselves that they have a website!

But no, Chelsea wants a mile from the Internet (dangerously metaphorical, ah.com!).

Thus, she didn't stop with her personal, more static but nonetheless strong website, she has stormed onto the blogoscene (new word just trademarked by me right this instant!) with a maniacally updated and funny blog.

Be sure not to miss her stomach turning photo, Palefoot (my fave because I'm disgusting!). The smaller, teaser photo below !pales! in comparison to the original, bigger, grosser photo.

The Top 25 Wierdest Items You Can Purchase Through Amazon

As an appreciatOR of art, I've added the following to my wish list AND my wedding registry:

via kottke.org

For surfblogging, of course!

I'm pictured below, surfblogging while waiting for the next set of thrashable waves:

BBC News: Surf the net while surfing waves

I can't wait to return to Japan this summer!!

I'll bring some back for the few lucky readers...

via reBlog

Mandatory community service should replace foosball in college:

Serve or Fail a NYTimes Op-Ed by Dave Eggers

I completely agree that it's time for students to be more aware of and involved in their community and the world at large.

via reBlog

Jane's Blog is a blog written by Jane, a lead character on Oxygen's show Good Girls Don't. But wait! She's fictional, you cry! It's the dawn of a new day.

Although I haven't seen the show I think the blog is hilarious and well-written (photo gallery and captions are funny too). It's also interesting that the blog extends the narrative of the show. Imagine for a momentous second if SJP & her crew had thought of this. Oops, missed the blog boat!

I especially like her raunchiness. It speaks to my heart.

This war saddens me to my core. The horrors that those involved in the war are experiencing make my vomit want to vomit.

I should be trying to do something about it but in the meantime I'm looking for laughs to sedate me.

Found some: National Lampoon Archives

I am excited to announce that I will be EYEBEAM reBlog's guest reblogger for one week!

The Eyebeam reBlog is a community site focused on art, technology, and culture. The guest reBlogger is filtering feeds provided by artists, curators, bloggers, and news sites. With the touch of a button the reBlogger selects material to share with the Eyebeam community.

Check us out if you haven't already and I'll do my best to post good stuff:

I like Choire Sicha's writing.

He writes for the New York Observer, Gawker & his personal site.

He also wrote this NYTimes Book Review of Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes that made me chuckle amidst the madness of the sad and sorry reality of the book's characters.

My vow to my beloved city: Rest assured, I will single handedly, well, with the help of Choire, and the rest of the normal people in NYC, root out the Bergdorf Blondes and restore you to your good graces. And that's a promise...well, at the very least, my really really good intentions.

On your mark...

Get set...

Go!

and be a nasty nasty guy who would countdown to the moment Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen turn "playboy legal".

Eeeew.

And yes, this is a picture of the Olsens looking forward to turning 18 and ripe for you!

Thankfully with the help of google, one has the ability to excercise choice, among the numerous Olsen twins countdown sites...

Oh!

don't miss out on the latest breaking news about the twins via this tool

or...

this more focused search

or...

you get the point.

Check out this funny video: The Exorcist in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

My favorite: The little bunny's mother telling her, "it's just nerves." Cut to shot of the bunny being flailed around in her bed squeeling, "mo~~~ther~~~~~~"

*thanks Kenyatta!

If this is true, I must say my peace: Sofia should get her fair allowance for the chores she does around the house...nothing more, nothing less.

On a more compassionate note, it really must be hard for her to be under the tyrannical thumb of Francis...

*via Gawker.com

Send your future self an email on FutureMe.org!

I think the thought process of contemplating when to send yourself the email and why is interesting...

*via EYEBEAM's reblog

Perhaps you can imagine our surprise when we saw them spooning last night and then to awake to this sight!!!

It just goes to show, I suppose, the unpredictable and often deviant nature of toothbrushes.

Look at that impressive face sucking!!

This game RULZ. See if you can figure it out!

They give you only two clues but since it took me longer to figure it out than I am proud to say, I will give you a third clue that doesn't compromise the integrity of this game: This can be played with five actual dice with the dice landing in no particular order so you don't need to be stumped by the linear placement of the dice on the screen.

Also, there's a story on the site about Bill Gates' brush with the game which is pretty interesting.

Remember: Once you figure it out you can't divulge the secret! You must simply take comfort in knowing that you are part of a club as exclusive as the Skull & Bones Society. It's just you, me, Bill Gates and everyone else...yeah, baby.

It's Grey Tuesday!

It's time to join the protest!

As I walked north on Bowery, I saw a familiar face out of the corner of my eye and there was ole Hitch, looking handsome as ever...gracing our fine NY streets...

Reminding me of one of my favorite movies...of course New York, the city I adore, is a prominent character....and of course the gorgeous Grace Kelly.

We love animals and we also love penguin batting games!

Please don't try this at home. Penguins are too cute to be batted around so many times.

Here's Todd Barry's submission to this week's Onion column called Say Something Funny...

Well he sure did!!!

Obviously I don't know Spike Jonze & Sofia Coppola personally so why should I care that they just got divorced...I guess it's sad because they were both so good looking! J/K! J/K! It's just that they've both done such great work...so now, I hope that it wasn't their combination that enabled it...

It's futile for me to try to describe how much and for how many reasons I loved Sofia Coppola's recent movie Lost In Translation so I won't but...

I will say that even for those of you already familiar with Spike Jonze's work, it's still worth checking out the B-side of the recently released Director's Series, Vol. 1 - The Work of Director Spike Jonze for previously unreleased short documentaries on the making of the music videos and their subjects.

Highlight: Fat Lip from the Pharcyde tells his story.

While you wait patiently for me to finish editing a short film, perhaps you would be so kind as to open up this little treasure of a webpage and also be patient because it takes a little while to load the gazillion kitten photos...promise you won't be sorry!!

Kittens!

Beware of the "oh my god, oh my god" sounds that may come out of your mouth as you check out these irresistably cute kitties-the neighbors will surely get the wrong idea.

In this day and age when cell phones are changed with the same frequency and flippancy! as one's laptops, friendster photos, IM names...

It brings a tear to my eye to recall these old cell phones Jonah and I had back in the day, that shared a purely sexual relationship but had so much fun together...

They played missionaries:

They acted out numbers 6 and 9:

They guiltlessly smoked post-coital cigarettes:

Those were the days...now cell phones think it's a "me world" and can't get along...

Ok. Get ready to be stunned beyond belief and grossed out beyond repair:

Refusing help, woman gives birth aboard Subway

Excerpts:
''At first I THOUGHT SOMEONE SPILLED COFFFEE, BUT IT KEPT DRIPPING.''

After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station's main lobby, witnesses said, THE PLACENTA FELL TO THE PLATFORM. JUDGE turned around, GRABBED THE AFTERBIRTH, PUT IT IN HER SHOULDERBAG, and headed upstairs.

Thank you to my friend Hannah Sharpless for this awesome link:

Gnarly Tooth Lands 9 Year Old Girl In Marriage To Stray Dog

Hannah, Yahoo News isn't your ONLY news source, is it?? :-)

Voila!

Invariably, the academic adamantly insists he's correct, resulting in the blogger having to turn away and grimace...but she finds solace in her heart, knowing that she's absolutely correct.
:-)

My housemate, none other than the lovely actress Emily Parker was on her way out of our apartment when I had to stop her and ask her to pose for me.

Does it get any better than this, people?? I didn't think so.

OMG, *this* is the one I want.

This Simpsons moment should never be forgotten...

Homer legally changes Marge's name

-courtesy of my lovely coworker Janice :-)

You know what I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF???

I am HELPLESS...I'll go with New Balance?

I am certain, PURE BRILLIANCE inspired this invention.

I've banned myself, at least for the time being, from blogging ranting and raving posts about the war...so in an attempt to counter how sick I feel about where we are headed, here's a post completely on the other end of the spectrum in terms of serious and silly.

A BOY AND HIS EASY BAKE OVEN...you should never mess with.

Especially a boy who's defamed the girl on the box to make her look more like him...isn't he a peach...

Ladies...this may be the long awaited answer to how to keep your man happy...ssshhh...let's try to keep it on the DL...

I woke up this morning, technically this afternoon, but hey! who's really paying attention!?...and decided that I will blog very little on the weekends. The reason-and BELIEVE ME, it was a difficult decision to make-is that my traffic, aka my friends and family, don't check me out so much on the weekends so it just makes sense to save up my OH SO BRILLIANT posts for the week.
Just as I made this decision, I checked my site statistics-yes, I am an OBSESSED BLOGGER-and was OVERJOYED, to say the least, to find this comment on a fellow bloggers site, yezbick.com

"MAKES ME SMILE??!!" MY SITE makes people, or at least one person, SMILE?? OMG. I actually TEARED UP and started ranting about how wonderful it felt to be SPREADING CHEER in this crazy, messed up world...ok fine...so granted, 1) I used to be a hippie...ssshhhhh...let's keep that on the DL, folks and 2) if on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being apathetic and aloof and 10 being super uber sensitive, I was easily a 10 this morning, it still felt SOOOO good, friends and family! Could my insanity have anything to do with the gazillion cocktails that fueled my TRIVIA playing last night until 4 in the morning?? DIDN'T THINK SO!!

Friends-this post is simply to thank you for being such dedicated readers of my blog. THANK YOU. Oh! And also, if I may say so myself, I think my last post, "Stony Awards 2003" is hilarious...SO, I'm hoping you will now just scroll right down to yesterday's post. It's painless, I pomise!!

TRUE or FALSE: wrinkled clothing hung in a hot steamy shower room become less wrinkled.

I know, you're all thinking, "I can't believe she took on such a huge task!" well I did, folks and this is what it looked like:

PRE-shower:

POST-shower:

The verdict: TRULY FALSE

49 SECONDS, PEOPLE!!!

it was showtime!!!...

then some fighting...

then oops! etienne's down...but can he maybe get up??

nope. looks like he's down for the count...perhaps the 1 million dollars he knew he was getting kept him down??

5 million dollars richer mike tyson gives a truly nutty interview claiming he currently has a broken back..when asked what type of back injury it was, he replied, "it's spinal"...he then confessed to "not knowing shit" because he's "so messed up right now"
oh...now I feel bad for mocking mike...49 seconds!...well done, Mike!!!

is this not one of the cutest pictures you've ever seen? this is my cousin at age 5 in tight whities and a feather crown.