Don't let this be you cuz if so, today will suck big-time!

I can't help it - I am a grammar nazi. Luckily I have a verbal filter so I don't correct every mistake that attacks my aural and visual senses but rest assured the misuses torture me. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my dad used to correct our grammar in mid-speech or I simply feel there's something lovely about speaking and writing in a grammatically correct way.

This is hilarious - back of a Finesse shampoo bottle!

* via BuzzFeed!

As is almost redundant to say, there's a fine line between programming and serial killing!!

I did much poorer than I thought I would. Advice: Go with your gut and let us know how you did.

* From Jonah via StumbleUpon!

This can't be real can it? I mean that hairline on the tattoo is too horrific to be real.

As Jonah said, "there are some really dumb and really smart people so you can imagine some dumb guy actually getting this done by an untalented tattoo artist or a smart person realizing this would be a funny hoax and drawing this terrible rendition." Agreed!

Please note that comments are now approved by a comment approval team who works earnestly and swiftly to approve comments based on guidelines of relevance and interest.

You comment will not appear right away but be patient, it will appear soon enough, if it deserves to.

Thanks!

I get lots of email from people saying nice things about my blog. That's great. In fact it's lovely. But I also get lots of emails from people asking me questions. And most of them are not little questions that I could answer in a few seconds like, "How much per month do you pay for blog hosting?" They are painfully vague, incredibly annoying questions that if I were to answer would require a lot of my time, thinking and energy which means the questioner is the type of person who 1) does not value other peoples time 2) is entitled because they believe that people are just willing to help them out! and 3) has a terrible understanding of social ties (i.e. your friend or friend's friend may be willing to help you out but you can't expect the same TLC from a stranger!) Why, I ask, I plead, I beseech, why are people like this?! Ugh. So deeply irritating.

Just one of several recent examples (I was kind enough to fog out her last name and email address - not sure why):

It really is a blessing and a curse isn't it, that I have a post entitled Kiddy porn:

When you do the NYT crossword puzzle, you learn about such fascinating figures such as Nellie Bly! The clue was 'Adventurer Nellie'.

Excerpt:

Burdened again with theater and arts reporting, Bly left the Pittsburgh Dispatch in 1887 for New York City. Penniless after four months, she talked her way into the offices of Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper, the New York World, and took an undercover assignment for which she agreed to feign insanity to investigate reports of brutality and neglect at the Women's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island.

After ten days, Bly was released from the asylum at The World's behest. Her report, later published in book form as Ten Days in a Mad-House, caused a sensation and brought her lasting fame. While embarrassed physicians and staff fumbled to explain how so many professionals had been fooled, a grand jury launched its own investigation into conditions at the asylum, inviting Bly to assist. The jury's report recommended the changes she had proposed, and its call for increased funds for care of the insane prompted an $850,000 increase in the budget of the Department of Public Charities and Corrections.

Halve yew ever thought, dam, I whish I could rite inn a whey that every whirred that had a homophone whir replaced bye that homophone!? That wood bee hilarious! Well hear it is folks. I am delighted about this gnu application and will yews it of coarse butt I halve too expose myself as a reel whirred nerd now - I will from thyme two thyme try homophonerating awn my own - sew fun!!!
---------
This text was homophonerated at http://homophoner.yacomink.com

Love the project Andy!!!

One was delightfully received yesterday:

"We don't know each other, but I used to read your blog for a while and stopped reading over a year ago. I had this dream about you last night though...I dreamt that I was interviewing to be your intern and you had me take a test that was part essay and part illustrating pictures with goldfish crackers. I realized that you were a genius. You laughed at how bad my essay was by the way. Thought you might find this amusing."

...and the other was from this post:

"I had a dream about you last night. Sorry to be creepy, but my dream is like this: I was at the local Thrift Store, browsing the used goodies, when I came across a children's book and it said "by Andrea Harner" on it and had your picture (who puts the authors picture on the cover of a kids book!?). Anyway, I was super excited, I purchased the book for 50 cents (sorry you're not worth more to my subconscious!) and proceeded to FedEx the book to you so you could sign the inside cover. You then FedExed it back to me. And I put it on a shelf in my house. The End! Once again, I apologize greatly for the fright you must currently be feeling."

People, please keep dreaming about me as long as they're hilarious, inspiring dreams like these! I will now get started on hiring an intern to help me write a children's book. Of course I will interview for this position by using the half essay, half goldfish cracker illustration method. I promise not to laugh at bad essays though and I swear I will price the book at more than 50 cents.

These Nigerian spammers are pretty clever! Embedding their deception in a file so it gets through spam filters - nice.

* I'm sorry, it's just hard for me to understand how anyone can be fooled by online spam.

** Thanks to Jonah for bringing this to my attention!

People are so very interesting!

* via Kottke.

Funny video from my brother:

I can't believe anyone actually believes this crap. So weird.

Can't wait until I convert. Then I can create cool menorah's like this one. I'm currently brainstorming ideas for a very cute and extremely small menorah.

I now know to look forward to Britain's Next Top Model and that food is disgusting these days!

When two people tell me I must let Dominick the Donkey shine on my site, I know not to question it. Here it is folks! Turn up your volumes for D the D to get stuck in your head for days.

Thanks to Jorge for his incessant pleas and genuine love for Dominick and to Mike for being the tipping point.

Save these for your BFFs.

Thanks to Chris and Pool Party for the link!

I used to use Missing Sync which worked until it didn't. Any other ways to do this seemingly easy thing which isn't at all?

Hugs and kisses,
Andrea

Wow. This photo never ceases to amaze me. We were so young, so intoxicated and so sassy - we dragged our deans into the photo - Firkie's in the right-hand corner and Harriet's to the right of me - oh, which one is me? Why, the only lady in gold, my friends! Rock on!! Dazed and confused! Youth!! High school really was fun. What I wouldn't give to hug everyone in that photo right now!!

Thanks for posting this Katy!

Guys,

What is the best clothing dye out there? I want to dye a thin, wool sweater and a cuoderoy jacket (I'm thinking I'll dip a paintbrush in the dye solution and paint it - is that weird?). Thank you!

Don't disappoint me,
Andrea

Did you know that Cellist Yo-Yo Ma forgot his 266-year-old, $2.5 million cello in a New York taxi??

He later retrived it but still...

* This post is compliments of my Fundamentals of Psychology textbook. You are very fortunate.

This is time well-spent, both for performer and viewer!

Wake up! It's your day of atonement motherf&%$@*s!

You're probably fine but these guys are in need of some serious atonement (via Kottke).

I have never seen the movie Silkwood but I have marveled at how cool Meryl Streep looked in it.

It's the hair, isn't it?

Or the 'tude:

Oops, wrong pic! Ha ha ha ha ha:

Considering a colonic?

"...death begins in the colon. Don't believe it? Ask any coroner. Autopsies often reveal colons that are plugged up to 80 percent with waste material." - Vegetarian Times, March, 1998

Oh, those vegetarians!

I have to admit that the idea of 'cleaning myself out' is enticing however I also understand the counterpoint that your intestines aren't your kitchen, as in something to clean out and organize.

* Thanks to everyone who shot me up with knowledge this weekend as I went from party to party, spreading the cheer and the question, "To colonic or not to colonic?"

** I've exercised rare restraint by not listing names of friends who contributed to this discussion. I suppose I can understand that not everyone would appreciate their google name searches yielding 'colonic conversation contributor' results.

...like this one of friend and blogger Katy!

I declare today September 20 to be the first ever "International Ban Booger Picking in Public Day". The impetus for this much needed declaration was the major offender sitting right next to me in the New School Quiet Room today. He was a well-dressed Asian guy who nearly made me vomit by using his index finger, with the occassional use of his thumb for leverage, to mine for gold. And then he rolled gold. It was amazing to what depths even I, who likes gross things more than most, can be grossed out.

The way to make this work is by shaming offenders. There have been numerous studies on shaming as the most effective way to curb behavior. Numerous. So when you see someone's fist up their nostril, scream, point and yell, "Booger picker! Booger picker! Booger picker!!!" And they will thank you. And the world will be a better place.

P.S. Asians, you aren't exempt from this ban. Sorry. Actually, you need to be more vigilant because there are clearly some propensities there.

This is for real.

P.S. Here's a great joke for people who know makeup and will enjoy conjuring images of Hotty Depp:

Q: What makeup do pirates like using to create their smokey-eyed, exotic and dangerous look?

A: NAARRRRRRS.

Thanks to Annie Maxwell for letting us know about this special day. Aarrrggg Annie, aaarrrrggg!

Peter SAAAAARRRsgAAAARRRRd.

Specially selected shots from our upcoming southern documentary.

Sally Christian Slater:

Sally Sylvester Stallone:

Lady Casual. Throwing down the peace sign. Is this a photoshopped work of art or just our lucky day??

Thanks to Amy Wood in Shanghai for the pic!

This is incredibly funny. You get your cell phone stolen and what the thief doesn't know of course is that you set up service for your cell phone photos to automatically upload to flickr! Voila, view your thief's people, surroundings and photographic inspirations.

via Kottke.

goes to...yours truly and her hubby Jonah!!!

In Kottke's contest to create a new mnemonic device since the 'death' of Pluto, we came up with one that frankly should have won but we'll proudly accept the award. As I fix the tiara on my head and Jonah and I take turns petting our trophy, enjoy our sophisticated wit:

Molesting
Very
Excitedly,
Michael
Jackson
Sucks
Underage
Nipples

* Now you know the order of the planets and that as Jonah explains, "Michael Jackson really did suck underage nipples, you know!"
** Thanks to Jason for a fun activity that clearly revealed the best in us!

Thanks to KO for the heads up!

Eeeew.

In all seriousness, what to do about pedophiles? I find myself thinking about their plight fatalistically as opposed to rehabilitatively. What can realistically be done to fix them, prevent them, help them?

I bet this "teacher" is creepy to the max.

Where the hell is Luxembourg and what is Luxembourg all about?? Now we'll know.

Over dinner the other night Jonah and I started discussing, "what country's people drink the most?" and thanks to Trusty Sidekick, we discovered a 2003 study showing Luxembourgians to own that title - much to the despair of Australians.

And if the ranking is confusing here's some analysis that will edify:

"As is shown in the table, the countries leading in total alcohol consumption per drinking-age person in 2003 were Luxembourg, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Ireland, and Germany. There were significant disparities in the level of consumption across countries among different types of alcoholic beverages. For example, although most of the leading consumers of alcoholic beverages drank significant quantities of wine, many drank relatively low quantities of distilled spirits. The leading beer-drinking countries were the Czech Republic, Ireland, Germany, Austria, and Luxembourg. Russia, Latvia, Cyprus, the Czech Republic, and Japan were among the leading consumers of distilled spirits. Ireland and Russia had the highest rates of heavy alcohol consumption among women, while Russia, Hungary, and Austria had very high rates among men. Portugal and Spain had high rates of per capita consumption, but, since they also had high rates of abstinence, the per capita number of very heavy drinkers was higher than it was for countries such as France with few abstainers."

Thanks to Jason's investigative eye we now know that beer shaped sausages exist in the midwest and thank god they do:

It's true and see these guys blog it and eat it. Awesome:

Who knew that this little girl would grow up to become a blogger? It was actually written all over the socks. This little girl is Katy, my friend from high school and an East Coast defector who is now West Coast and loving the LA life. She's a lover of fun 24/7 and celebrity 25/7- those of you who obsess too much with celebrity, you've met your match! You can check it all out on KatyOliver.com!

Looking back at our time at Choate when we were nice, bad girls who took too many pictures - it's obvious we were simply photo bloggers in training.

Congrats on your blog, Katy!

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

The Godfather

The Humpty Dance

My mom and I have a great system worked out. She buys delicious designer handbags nearly 20 years ago, thoroughly enjoys them, then passes them onto to me when they're nicely vintage!

Nice teamwork! Yay, us!

Thanks Mom for being a lover of designer handbags! It's proof enough I'm your daughter.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." - Woody Allen

Ain't that the truth!

Viva Italia!!! Viva! Viva!

In celebration of the Italian World Cup win...here are some Italian sumo wrestlers for you:

It's amazing, the opportunities that present themselves (in your inbox)!

Kindly submitted by a punctuation teacher:

Now we can:

"Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." -Maggie Kuhn

Yes, I feel your enthusiasm for this post! Rest assured, a lengthy series of 'Today's Spam Higlights' posts to follow!

Paste a 20" x 22" sign on the back of your front door saying,

DID
YOU
REMEMBER
TO
PUT
DEODORANT
ON?

It's a tone that middle aged and older people supposedly can't hear so youngsters are using it as their ringtones in class!

Warning: If you can hear this, it's highly irritating.

Via Huffington Post.

See the first ever earth sandwich mission!

We have Ze and his followers to thank for this radness.

rubbed some essential oil on your wrist that initially smelled good and then immediately regretted it? And then, every time you catch a whiff you feel like puking?

Try it sometime!

It's memorable.

I'd love to know.

Are Aerons really the only answer?

Help.

My back hurts.

Did I just invent the greatest saying or what?! No google search returns so consider it an AndreaHarner.com original.

The energy it requires to be an inventor such as myself is exhausting.

David Copperfield has won me over.

Excerpt:

The illusionist and assistants Cathy Daly and Mia Volmut were walking near CityPlace toward their tour bus parked at the Kravis when thugs approached them about 11:15 p.m. The group had gone to a steakhouse for dinner after Copperfield's sixth and last show here.

According to the police report, this is what happened next: The Malibu pulled up behind the group, and two of the four young men in the car came out holding handguns. One ordered Daly to "give me what you have." Daly handed over $400 from her pockets. Riley, meanwhile, allegedly stuck a gun in Volmut's face and asked for her purse, and she, too, gave it up. In it were 200 euros, $100, her passport, plane tickets and a Razr cellphone.

When Copperfield's turn came, Riley was bamboozled.

Copperfield told Page Two he pulled out all of his pockets for Riley to see he had nothing, even though he had a cellphone, passport and wallet stuffed in them.

"Call it reverse pickpocketing," Copperfield said.

via Kottke.

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." - George Carlin

Passover begins at sundown.

Italy's reputed No. 1 Mafia boss, Bernardo Provenzano, was arrested Tuesday in Sicily, the Interior Ministry said.

This is the weirdest post. Where did it come from? I tell you, my readers, it's as if I'm just a vessel and something larger than me, than even us!, composed this immortally nonsensical post.

Guys, notice anything different? If you don't, you have some serious problems.

AndreaHarner.com finally feels comfortably clothed and she has Cat Savard, a talented and cool designer in Australia to thank!

If your site is screaming for a makeover, don't hesitate to contact Cat! And don't worry about her being far away because obviously greatness can be achieved transpacifically.

Please leave comments if stuff isn't working right. Thanks, team.

"A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." - Martin Luther King Jr.

What a fantastic quote.

"I once sat next to a kid in grade school who collected his boogers on a piece of paper. At the end of each week he would take it out and draw a circle around the significant ones.

I don't think I ever learned what their significance was."

This is not just a random story shared by Kenyatta but in response to the post below.

"Be who you are and be that well." - Saint Francis de Sales

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color PURPLE and don't stop to notice it. - Alice Walker

Again, thanks to Gmail for combing through my emails and displaying links they think will be of interest to me, we have a whole page of funny quotes by Rita Rudner.

Sample platter:

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

Thanks to the charity of the Thrillist guys and my buddy Duncan, this piece of art made its way to me today. Thanks guys.

"One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

I didn't have a card for Jonah so my brother sent me this. Just the sentiment I was looking for. Thanks bro.

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." -Quentin Crisp

"For obvious reasons, atheists have to take very good care of themselves.” - Unknown

You're thinking, "Finally, Andrea's voiced the question we all ask ourselves!" right?

Mine would be Illustrator.

Who knew??!!

* The inclusion of the Thrillist email was not paid for by the Thrillist guys - I just gave that to them for free!

** Yes, I get a lot of spam so when you search for cum for example, endless emails show up - hard to find the exact one I'm looking for.

You might want to rent seasons 1 through 4 on netflix and check it out*.

* Aka, "Hey best friend! You should try crystal meth some time!"

I'm crying.

My parents were kind enough (Thank you, Thank you!) to give me and Jonah the gift of a projector for Christmas. I haven't bought one yet and am wondering if you all have any recommendations? Thanks.

One of the hardest things for me to believe, to wrap my head around, to even begin to comprehend is...how someone can not like like garlic.

I've never met such a person but I know one exists...one lurks.

Anyone out there that doesn't like garlic? Please please explain. I am desperate to understand you.

We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. - Stewart L. Udall

I don't think this post has anything on this oldie but goodie though.

Compliments of Flickr.

BTW, the second from the last photo was taken on my birthday...how sweet.

Andrea Xiaoli Harner is a graduate student of Forensic Psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. In addition to forensic psychology, she loves animals, Japan, weird and cute things, and her husband Jonah Peretti. Upon graduating from Wesleyan University she worked in event production and marketing for several years. Before that, she graduated from Choate Rosemary Hall high school after attending international schools in Kobe, Nagoya, Tokyo and Taipei. She was born in Hong Kong.

Disturbing could only begin to describe this.

Way to finally play a part in your son's life, Dad! Go Dad!

It's what I am. I fiend for cuteness, love the cuteness and need the cuteness so bad but then I can never get enough so I weep.

My favorite site on the Internets.

Thanks to Jamie Rollins for for feeding my habit and for putting before me the kindest, most potent junk.

To all the people who read this post and have since emailed me (and future emailers too!) asking me where they can purchase toilet seat warmers, I'm sorry, I do not know. I don't have any more information on them or how to acquire them than you do. All I know is that I grew up sitting on them and love that in Japan they have great ones.

Sorry and thanks for reaching out,
Andrea

Now, the following buttons don't work:

J
T
Z
1
8
!
*

And there's no more backlight...just natural light during the day and natural darkness at night.

This is what I play on repeat when I babysit. Let me know when you want me to start as your nanny.

There are no images more divine, tantalizing and sweet to me than:

FYI.

Anyone want to buy a great photo editing tool for 40% off its retail price - cheapest you'll find anywhere? I have one, unopened to sell for $54.00 plus insured shipping costs within the US which equals $60.00.

It looks like this:

Please email if interested. First come, first served.

A friend who was recently diagnosed has started a blog that's worth checking out.

But be warned, it is *very* exclusive...

This website is for Harry Potter fanatics only. We have investigated many mysteries of the Harry Potter books, and this website will give you the answers to all of your problems. THIS BLOGSITE IS ONLY OPEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE READ HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!

If you can get past the metaphorical doors to entry, you can enjoy Mysterious-Mysteries by none other than Willa Rubin (and her friend Elena) whom I'm proud to say got her blog start on this site!!

Thanks to Sally Rumble for loaning us this picture from her mantlepiece.

Eating fish regularly delays dementia.

You can also pop these pills - I do!

Update: This is unfortunately true!

These were sent to me by my darling brother Edward Harner as he knows what an animal lover I am! Anyway, I nor the people I sent these onto have been able to purge them from their minds. Is this real? Is this photoshopped? I personally think these have authenticity stamped all over them...I mean, look at the person, presumably woman standing behind the pooch in her pink slip ons...you can't fake that realness.

Here's to sharing horrorific imagesl!!

Jesus people, it's baby time, isn't it?! It's quite delightful actually, all these cute and weird little beings.

My scrupulous readers will have noticed that a commenter who goes by Yay Dogs (real name = Hannah Cloud Sharpless Graff, we're college buddies) has been suspiciously absent recently. Reason is that she's been birthing...this!

Congratulations to Hannah, John and their families!!!

Congratulations especially to Nathaniel on getting your name into Google at such a young age!! You should be proud and you shall thank me when you're older.

One can only dream of having these search results for your name:

THE KIDNEY-SHAPED STONE THAT MOVES EVERY DAY by HARUKI MURAKAMI.

Valentino on Paris Hilton: She is vulgar and she is not even pretty...

Hot damn!

Bon Jovi on Tom Cruise: He's lost it!

Keep it coming you guys! Stay brave. Keep it real.

* via HuffingtonPost.com.

Not as good as 'How To Make Sucky People Vanish' but we've gotta start somewhere.

My feet and my time are certainly worth more but I'm going to go for it!

This is where Jonah and friend Tim Shey lived a few years ago...look at it now.

Thanks to my buddy Mary Patterson for this link!

We're thinking of vacationing in New Orleans for a few days...

Any recommendations on where to stay?

Any advice on what to see and what to avoid?

We've gotten amazingly cheap flights (who knew?) so we're psyched!

Update: This is a dream car - both because it's unaffordable to me and it's not the car I would get if I were ever to buy a car. I would buy the most environmentally friendly car available. There. This Jag is beautiful though isn't it?

AND IT IS!!!

The exact car I want:

The back side of this thing makes me want to...

start a wishlist of one.

I just got an email from someone I was friends with while at Taipei American School during my 7th & 8th grades. The great thing about this email is that it reminded me of something I had forgotten...

I USED TO BE A CHEERLEADER.

...we had our outfits designed to show our belly buttons...

You know, I've been waiting to say this until after the trial out of fear of appearing superficial but...Michael's been looking more handsome recently!

Thanks to Kenyatta for reminding me of Joi's post addressing this comment issue: This blog is my living room and if you can't behave, I'll ban you.

Well said.

So which is worse? Michael Jackson showing up in his pjs or this guy?

This guy hands down (hairs up).

via HuffingtonPost.com.

Yay! I am thrilled that this great piece of work exists!

I completely empathize with the predicament and couldn't agree more with the proposed solutions.

It's worth checking out. I promise.

Now let's all get busy becoming disciplined, creative, productive people!

Thanks to Rubin, a new commentor on this site for this great link!