Last night was intense. My brother and I discovered that we have a sister. Our parents sent us a photo of her and her adopted mother.

We made the brilliant decision last Saturday evening to check out the Momofuku Ssam Bar which recently received a great write-up in New York Magazine. It included this great photo of the unapologetically carnivorous chef David Chang:

We got there at 7:15 and the place was packed - mind you it was Saturday night in NYC (we thought it was highly unlikely we'd be able to be seated but figured it was worth a shot) and were told it was a 45 minute wait. We put our name down and walked down a block to a wine bar, had a glass of wine and 30 minutes later returned. We waited 5 minutes and then were seated - a surprisingly pain free experience! Plus, the vibe was fantastic - the excitement as a result of the NY mag coverage was palpable:

The restaurant is primarily a long counter with a few tables behind the counter:

We were seated at a great spot at the counter, in front of the bright, open and bustling kitchen:

And look who we saw hard at work:

The famous (infamous to vegetarians) chef David Chang himself!

I was slightly worried because contrary to everyone else in NYC I am unimpressed with the Momofuku Noodle Bar. I am a noodle connoisseur and can bore you to death with the subtleties of every kind of noodle dish and let me tell you - that ramen is bland and fatty - not yummy. Nonetheless we ordered full speed ahead!

First came the oysters for Jonah which he, before devouring, made me taste one and it was the first and only oyster I've ever enjoyed. Jonah popped it in my mouth and said, "close your eyes and imagine you're in the sea" and that's all it took. I could hear the Little Mermaid soundtrack and I was an octopus, dancing and singing and having fun with my ocean friends. That's how it has to be for me ~under the sea~ !

Then came the brussel sprouts and squid salad which were both so flavorful and tasty! These two adjectives are a thread in this meal - nothing bland here!

The Korean burritos which this restaurant started out serving exclusively were truly delicious;

This is what it looks like to eat a korean burrito with hoochie nails:

Here's a ham eating a korean burrito:

The pork sausage wraps were also to die for:

And finally for dessert, the mochi ice cream was not great but was good. The salted apples were interesting and quite good.

Super duper contented and delighted...we'll definitely be back!!

Thanks to Kendyl from Canada for the link!

After over one year, here are the pics from my hen party!

I'm a hen! I'm a bachelorette! I'm a princess. Wearing more makeup than I've ever worn:

Wow! Such useful goods! Penis lollipop, penis necklace, penis tarts. Thanks friends!

Hey, it's a whip gift! It's now in a shambles from overuse:

Plaid, schoolgirl underwear! Sexy!

Small animals are a must at every bachelorette party! You may recall them in action here.

And a t-shirt I continue to glean advice from:

Polaroids, always a crowd-pleaser!

Hey, where's Andrea Spratt??

A quick but necessary photo shoot of me and my lollipop in public:

And then we're en route to the Beauty Bar!

Our cabbie begged to come along with us:

While they got their hair done:

I got my nails done:

And as it always does at hen parties, the conversation steered towards the personal and the profane:

Really?? None of you have ever ______???!!! exclaimed the manicurist:

I swear, I've never ________! I'm so lame.

Stop me.

Gabby's last beer before her pregnancy which recently resulted in this little thing!

Our best Jerri Blank impresson - good? Bad:

Half the hen house:

The other half:

Look at Andrea. That neck. You are the funniest. I miss you, leave LA and come to NYC!!

Since the day we met as 14 year olds, we've been highly attractive, sophisticated individuals:

Easily the craziest of the bunch. They may or may not have ended the night by dancing on stage with the stripper pole, kindly provided at Plan B:

Onto Sing Sing!

This is why I have deep furrow lines!

Get the lady on the right a mic! Quick!!

Work it:

Where's Spratty??

Passion of different degrees:

What, me?? A mic hog??!!

Look at that finger work!

I popped a blood vessel:

Feeling, woah, woah, woah, feeeeeeeeling

Endless Love. Andrea is Lionel Ritchie and Lily is Diana Ross:

Intensity!!

Enough is enough!

The night really should be coming to a close...how about now?

End of the night group shot - who are those other people???

* Thanks to Andrea, Lily, Celeste, Mary, Gabby and Zee for the gifts, the good times and the LOVE.

Our Guys is an extremely well-written, thoroughly researched and penetratingly analytic study and account of the crime that took place in a Glen Ridge, NJ basement in March 1989. A mentally retarded girl was raped by a handful of jocks and Lefkowitz examines not only the perpretrators and the victim but also the town, its values and the adults who were all, to varying degrees, culprits to this horrendous crime. What unfolds is a grim picture of a culture that worshipped school athletes above everything else, the confused and often twisted sexuality of teens in our over-sexed society and the leg up that people of higher socio-economic levels will always have. Furthermore Lefkowitz doesn't shy away from the complexities of the case which make the case uncomfortably gray at times but ultimately results in a richer, more nuanced investigation. If this sounds interesting to you let me warn you, it's hard to put this book down, even at 500 plus pages long.

The New York Times Book Review writes, "Extraordinary. A calm, methodical, painstakingly researched, and important book that should be read by parents and eductors alike."

It was very sweet. Jonah planned a whole evening of surprises.

It began at Balthazar with a kiss for making it to 30 and still looking 19 (just leave this statement alone):

Delicious Steak au Poivre:

And then surprise! Meeting up with friends at Bowlmor Lanes! I was so happy not to be sitting in a bar, drinking with friends and not doing anything besides drinking and talking...I think someone's really turned 30!!

In case you forgot how old I turned...

Forget 'birthday'! Let's just celebrate the person!

Duncan lit the candles - he's had a thing for fire since a very early age:

Do I have to turn 30?? Yes.

Summoning up the breath...it's tough after 30 years of bong hits (hilarious!):

Freshly whipped cream and my favorite...strawberries!!

Every party needs cartoon plates:

Time to get serious:

Guess who??

Team huddle!

Another bunion (albeit smaller) in the midst! Don't worry, I won't tell who it belongs to...Annie.

They've been married for 5 years and been on the same bowling league for 10:

Duncan dislocated his shoulder and we had to pop it back in, Lethal Weapon style - he stops at nothing for bowling:

Annie and Sally and Strawberry:

I do a real disappearing act when I bowl:

Lily & Sandy:

Mary 'Ball of Fire' Patterson:

You can do it, sweet pea.

To each his own...

Sally & Tosan:

The Passion of the Bowler (Sandy):

Peace signs are contagious - spread the cheer:

Thanks hubby!

End of the night - time to walk into traffic - j/k.

Everything good must come to an end...in the garbage shoot:

Thanks to Jonah and friends for a super fun evening, for contributing goods, for the photos (I didn't take a single one!) and for the LOVE.

* For those not yet 30, know that the pain is temporary. The week leading up to and then the culmination on birthday day is painful but the next morning it's all gone...and so are your 20's.

For my 30th birthday Jonah and I went to Miami!

South Beach baby!

Look at that delicious ocean!

See how clear the water is?

I realized early on that I am a water creature. Like a fish out of water that's just been returned to the ocean/the fishbowl/the river, I was so fucking happy and relieved to be in water:

But my eyeballs are more of the delicate human kind:

Get away from me while I'm peeing! J/K. I've never ever peed in the ocean.

Jonah's more like an amphibian but he was loving it too:

This is an advertisement for marriage & visors:

Note that the further out people went, the shallower it got - it was surreal:

If you're looking for a good pose you can always fall back on, try this Japanese inspired classic!

The type of beach I love - with beach chairs and umbrellas. The Hotel was great in that included in your price of stay are complimentary beach chairs and umbrellas:

A bunch of beach bums:

A perfectly nice butt:

Hey, Baywatch!

Pam?? Carmen?? Hoff, you there??

You have to love Miami dolls girls - bleached blonde, all smiles, hot pink lipstick, sunglasses, nails and bikini:

After a day at the beach we checked out Miami architecture - don't knock the deco!

Many of the buildings in Miami also change colors:

They think it's worth the money:

Obviously it is:

The first night we went to a Cuban diner/restaurant and ate terrible bread and salad and terrific shrimp in garlic sauce:

You can all thank my camera for its self-timer function - without it you wouldn't have this special picture (Todd Oldham tie-dye robes are yours to roll around in while staying at the Todd Oldham designed The Hotel):

On the second day it started storming at about 2 pm.

I just didn't want to buy it.

The clouds don't say t-storm do they?

It's like when your bangs are all blowing one way:

Thank god for Jonah who's blessed with the ability to anticipate so he said, we should leave the beach soon and head to a cafe before all these people do the same. Sad to say, had he not suggested that I would have been the last person on the beach, blindly believing that maybe, just maybe the storm wasn't approaching after all.

Even though this was what the beach side of the sky looked like...

The storm was just minutes away and as foreseen, the exodus from the beach to the cafes started right after we nestled in at the News Cafe where we ate and drank a girly drink and a unisex drink:

My solo wet t-shirt contest - winner!

Post-storm sky:

Post-storm ocean:

Post-storm beach:

Post-storm lonely lifeguard station:

Post-storm swim face-lick:

Off to our fancy dinner at Big Fish:

Thankfully our cab driver knew exactly where it was because it seems a bit hard to find. In case you're lost with a cabby you can pound on the back of his seat and scream, there's a three foot wide neon sign of the outline of a fish! Can't you find it?? I know we're in a city of neon but it's of a fish!! and you'll find it in no time:

Fresh made tagliatelle with lobster, shitake mushrooms and truffle butter - quite good although a little too salty:

Jonah's was delicious - Black ink linguini with scallops & asparagus and saffron sauce:

View from table:

Across the street from the restaurant was another changing color building:

It's a night club - the sort of place I don't ever ever ever go to anymore:

And then there was the rooftop pool which was truly spectacular. Clean, nicely designed, view of the ocean, nice staff, delicious frozen mojitis:

From the other side:

I really should have had a visor on! 30 years old and wrinkles accumulating!

More floating - I only recently accomplished floating so...

Jonah was reading a book that was getting on his nerves - psssttt - Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, it's subject is enticing but it's poorly written by a guy who may have narcissistic personality disorder:

Pool time is happy time!

The pain in the ass nasal spray needed chilling so we gave it some ice and a mint leaf from our mojito - a spray-ito!

On our last night we went to have dinner with a family friend who loves roses so we were off to the flower shop - flowers sure are pretty!

This nipped at me when I got close:

Here's what you'll get for $50 in Miami - it was tremendous and very heavy:

All trips come to a jarring end at a terminal gate. Miami airport was filthy - there was a little mousy:

A woman screamed and ran away when she saw this little fella.

As a New Yorker (it's just a mouse, it's not even a rat, lady) and a photographer, I was unfazed and poised to snap photos - mice are very fast and little point and shoot digital cameras can't keep up very well:

Since we've been back, Jonah and I have been busy eating lots of candy:

* Miami is special! It doesn't quite feel like you're in America.

** We booked our flight and hotel through travelocity (not so with Tra....velocity!) which had decent package prices.

*** If you're audio sensitive/can be difficult about noise, you should pack a pair of earplugs. The Hotel as all the hotels in the area and architecture in the tropics are constructed with thin walls.

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

The Godfather

The Humpty Dance

Hhhmmmm, how am I going to do this??

I'm going to have to give it my all, that's for sure!

Shake things up a bit, tear some ligaments, reset some bones

Chew on the toes furthest away from the problem area

Gnaw a little closer to the source

Try a deadly gas attack

Damn, this was harder than I thought, I'll just cover it up

A for effort, Angus!

My poor readers. I've decided you're all dream whisperers so you're expected to interpret my dreams. How about this one from yesterday morning? ...besides the obvious...

* I realize that our relationship has been taken to a new level with this weird post - are you ready for the intimacy and craziness??!!

It was July 4th weekend and we were off to the Berkshires - we had never been there so we were going to share in the fun of exploring together - or so I thought. Once we got there Jonah realized, "oh, I have been here!" Great...

Nature - opening shot:

First stop was Mass Moca because we were sick without art - j/k. - like really really j/k. We got there in the evening and noticed it so stopped by.

Oooohhhh, arty shot from behind, Dre!

Our friend Natalie Jeremijenko's upside down trees!

Jonah didn't realize how he inspired me here...

Until I did this funny move:

There's only so much art you can take so we went in search of Jay-Z cds. We stopped at Walmart and discovered that they were all censored cds so in tremendously effective protest we didn't buy anything. We did however notice that a bird lived in the A:

Thank god for Best Buy, we had uncensored tunes to get us to putt-putt!

We weren't going to be fooled by their tricky course.

All lined up - lookin' good, Dre!

Hhhhhmmmmm:

This is what is called an air putt or what Jonah calls a practice swing:

Jonah slapped himself a few times and got serious:

And looked towards the mountains in search of his ball:

FYI - I lost to Jonah by 6 points. I'm pretty sure he cheated by 7 points.

The following morning we set off to our primo destination - Shaker Village! You heard correctly...

While there, we seriously contemplated celibacy since the Shakers lived that way and wondered, "is it so different from our lives now??" ha ha ha ha ha ha HA!!

We asked the guide all dressed up (more like dressed down!) like a Shaker what the biggest scandal to rock the Shaker community was and he answered with a story about two Shakers in love, taking the train up to Albany and getting married. Once married however they were filled with such remorse that they hung out in the lobby of the hotel all night so that there wouldn't be any mistaking that they did not consumate their marriage. Supposedly the guy was so guilt-ridden he returned to the Shaker community that morning and the woman took the $10,000 they had embezzled from the community stash and took off, never to be seen again!

That was what we needed to know so then we were off!

No American holiday weekend is complete without a car show!!

We searched for a car for me - either a Jag XJS or an MG Roadster, I'm flexible - but unfortunately they were mostly all American cars:

Makes me proud to be American:

Can't not love this - it's purple:

Owner of this car's a big skiier:

I wanted what Granny had:

We were a bit concerned but not enough to investigate - buffalo wings called:

We ended that day by drinking beer and eating buffalo wings at the pub across from the inn where we stayed - we're married, what do you expect us to do? Party?!

The following morning we were off to Waconah Falls! I love love love love love waterfalls.

Snowmelt feels cozy:

Fellow Americans:

A forest nymph:

We then went biking!

I especially enjoyed leaving Jonah in the metaphorical dust and gloating!!

I even had time to admire the shadows:

Now can you see him??

My view while biking - his view was a still-life:

Although he was gaining speed...

Poor me didn't know he was getting closer...

Check out his shadow's body language!

And then I heard a super annoying, "ON YOUR LEFT!"

And then it was his turn to gloat:

And enjoy his view and mess up mine - not that we're competitive:

Friendly tip - if you're deathly allergic to bee stings like yours truly, it's good to wear bright colors that attract bees like a flourescent orange skirt as pictured and to forget your epi-pen:

Who doesn't love gooses geese on a lake?

And purple flowers?

Oh my god! What happened to the background??!!

White flowers:

After biking and smelling photographing the flowers along the way, Pecks Falls was our next destination and second waterfall in one day!!!

They were beautiful:

And I was cold!!

But I knew I had to brave it:

Even as I got numb and number:

Because it is almost always worth it:

JP was ready:

Looking brave, Jonah!

Frozen pensive moment - he might have been peeing here:

He was fine!

Nature - closing shot:

* Thanks to me for my ingenuity to finally google, "html for crossing out words" and discovering the STRIKE TAG!!! Get used to a lot of crossed out words, bitches!! Please bear with me while I overuse this great html tag for a while!!!

** Thanks to the friendly guy at Berkshire Outfitters (not at all like Urban Outfitters, people!) for the Pecks Falls tip!

Hey, it's us! A year ago today! How about that?!

Hey good-looking! Wanna get married today?? Do I see some nerves in that smile??

We were off - you'll see a lot of the back of my dress in this post - I couldn't resist:

Thanks for stopping for us cabbie! You were pretty integral to our plan:

Taxi moment:

It seems like someone realized once they got to City Hall that she forgot her license that her hubby went back for:

Most romantic part of wedding - writing check to the cashier:

It's getting hot (and silly) in here!!

Snoozing while waiting to get married:

It's important to crack yourselves up!

It was our turn - sometimes dresses get stepped on in the process:

The rings fit:

It was official!

Officially sweet post-marriage kiss:

Yay!! Jonah was on the phone to coordinate with our friends and family and strippers - j/k!

Hey! There's the back of that dress again!

We had a meeting of the minds with our bus guide Rockwell who posed and rehearsed in style:

Remember, it's important to have your friends throw bird seed and not rice, because rice supposedly makes the pigeons explode, which could have been cool but would have taken the spotlight away from us:

Hugs all around! Jonah and his Mom:

Jonah and his Dad:

The Sisters in Law hug it out:

Jonah's new extended famiglia!

The bus adventure begins!

And from behind!

Appetizers before dinner - me and my bro:

That's a pretty bride face, Andrea!

My Pops:

Don't let Jonah's Mom's sleepy face fool you - she was ready to party!

Dinner was very sweetly all about toasts,

toasts,

toasts,

and more toasts!

After dinner we went to the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park and noticed that the ducklings received our wedding invitation!!

Here's the documenting of the group photo that never turned out:

We played a shoe game that I swear wasn't done just to show off our hot shoes:

Kerroppi umbrellas should make at least one appearance at every wedding:

Have I mentioned that I loved my dress?

My parents, happy as clams:

Woooohooooo!!!

Happy times:

The End:

* To our friends and family who might not have seen enough representation of themselves in this post: Having over 1000 photos it was easiest to pick out these few for this post but don't worry you'll see more of your fine selves in the wedding album (s) that you'll get to look through for hours and hours and hours and then you can take a break and by then you'll be ready for the second and third volumes.

At lunchtime, sit next to someone who is audibly and frantically speaking into their phone saying, "I am so filled with self-hatred right now. I just got this awesome job where I have more responsibility than I've ever had...so much so that I feel like they must have mistakenly hired me... and then I go out and get wasted last night, show up at work late this morning and feel like death right now. I have no one to hate but myself."

* Unless you did the same thing the night before.

** Overhead in Duke's Deli on Broadway

NEVER.

Andrea Harner, Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello and Amy Sedaris, old friends.

From the beginning...

We were on our way out, in our glamorous hallway when I took a similar shot with the little digital camera I was bringing to capture the evening. Upon taking the pic I noticed the low-battery sign (it was in the charging cradle but wasn't properly latched in - damn!!!) So I calmy ran back into my apt, very collectedly tore through my chest of cameras from over a decade ago and found my little, trusty, real film point and shoot camera that ended up saving this night. (I've long ago resigned myself to the fact that I believe that if it wasn't documented it never happened.) Judging from my uncharacteristic patience while waiting for these important photos to be developed, I'd say I would have been a much more patient person had digital cameras never been invented.

Confession: As a serious fan of the TV show I was nervous that the movie wouldn't do it justice.

Paul Dinello said he would thank all the people that were integral to getting the movie made except that would take away from him so...and then Amy dedicated the movie to, "ugly people".

I am happy and relieved to report that it's a good, funny movie definitely worth going to!! My two complaints are: 1) the Sarah Jessica Parker role is utterly and painfully unnecessary and 2) I don't think the reasons why Jerri Blank is 46 years old and going back to high school after 32 years of being a "user, a boozer and a loser" need to be explained. I was never concerned about that while watching the TV show but I suppose for the mainstream movie-going public they felt that some explanation was necessary. Oh! And why her Dad is in a coma. These things just seemed perfectly normal to me! Other than that aspect which felt contrived, it was truly funny, raunchy and inappropriate - bring the whole extended family!

As soon as I spotted the trio at the afterparty at Dylan's Candy Bar I headed off to do my photoblogging duties and Jonah's too smart to be anywhere near me when I'm in that spastic mode so there he is! Over there!

I can no longer deny it - I am paparazzi:

I'm even better than traditional paparazzi because I get them in there too - so meta!!

It's true - Buddhist paparazzi exist:

Cute moment between geniuses:

Enter her butt for more fun movie stuff and go see Strangers with Candy opening June 28th!

Thanks to Think Film for buying this flick and finally distributing it! It felt like a lifetime of using and boozing, waiting for it!

Nick threw a party for the Other Michael Jackson which was fun and a lot less raunchy than an Original MJ party would have been.

Me and my twin Arianna - identical except for the numerous published books, the formidable social network, the inspiring career, etc:

Jonah's women - don't make him choose:

Me and the respectable looking Ben - you'd never suspect he runs Thrillist:

Thank god for these guys (the drinks)!

TEQUILA!! Doug!! Jonah!! TEQUIIIIIILAAAAA!!!

Too much tequila...off we were to Lure Fishbar. Shrimps for Andrea, Martinis for Rachel:

Hey, how about we drink more, Ricky??!!

We're only getting FUNNIER!!

Shrimpy Mary!

And the oyster shot side dish that came with it!!

I hope he doesn't turn towards me when he vomits...

Nick sticks to tequila and Jonah has oyster shot eyes:

You (Jonah) can never have too much oyster:

TORO!!!

Soft shell crabs - everything you wanted to know about them:

The ladies were sexy and sweaty (from left to right) at the end of the night:

I felt about 50% reduced the following day.

Update: Here are the ads.

JWT Puts a 'Roadblock' on Huffington Post by Julie Bosman.

Watch him say this:

What he failed to mention is something that has been a big part of his family history - incest.

A: totally awesome hook-up two Thanksgivings ago. Inhofe was drunk in bathroom, peeking through slit in door, waiting until Granddaughter walked by and then he stuck out his creepy hand, grabbed her and pulled her in. She's now 9 years old and drinks before noon.

B: Cousin Boy and Cousin Girl are madly in love with each other but don't want to taint the family's recorded history so instead have romantic plans to marry other people but to always live next door to each other for the rest of their incestuous lives. In this secretive, tense environment they fight a lot but always have makeup sex.

C: These guys really brokeback it. They were always close brothers and now that their wives are friendly and take karate lessons together, they've been able to spend qt together at pottery class. P.S. That phallic ashtray Brother B received from Bother A was indeed pottery art from the heart even though Brother B, in a crystal meth freak out, threw it in his son's face and it shattered. Now his son wants to do meth and bang his brother like Daddy.

I walked into the bathroom, saw this and felt too discouraged to brush my teeth:

From the dog, tiger and pig website that is ModernPooch.com we have this amazing story.

In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of
triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy,
the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly
after birth.
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to
decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt
that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a
depression. The doctors decided that if the
tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news
was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the
mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never
been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take
on the care of a different species. The only "orphans" that could be found
quickly, were a litter of weaner pigs.
The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the
babies around the mother tiger.

Thanks to Jodi for this!

Hey readers!!

You know how I'm only supposed to suggest you click on ads that you genuinely have an interest in and are relevant to you otherwise I could be engaging in click fraud?

Well, today's keyword cartoon involves drugs, alcohol, Kate Moss and rehab.

Who doesn't have a genuine interest in those things??!!

Dear Mommy,

Thank you for everything you have taught me. As I've gotten older I hear your wisdom ring in my ears whenever I stray. When I was younger it seemed annoying but now I agree with your often blunt, but profoundly true outlook and advice.

You taught me first and foremost that I should take care of my body and mind. I take a multi-vitamin everyday although that doesn't seem to stop you from asking me on our weekly phone calls if I'm taking my multi-vitamins :-) I eat well though I know I should eat more fruit! I exercise, not as much as I should, but I do! I don't drink too much, certainly less than I did when I was a naive youngster, because as you always said, it's not hard to understand that alcohol beyond moderation becomes a poison.

You've taught me to love myself even with my flaws. Physical "flaws" can be tough for a girl but you always told me uncomplicatedly that the most important thing was that I was fortunate to be in good health and that I was beautiful no matter when anyone or any "beauty authority" said. When I cried about my pimply teenage skin you said that I was blessed with oily skin which meant I would have less wrinkles as I aged. When I was a teenager mortified by my bunion you said, "hey, you may have ugly feet but you have a pretty face!" I look at how you hold yourself and how you've aged gracefully and I'm in awe at your strength and beauty.

You always stressed that education and being smart was the most important thing. I thank you for always expecting me to get the highest grades and for all the times you said, "you're smart and you speak and write well so you should be a lawyer!" :-) Although I haven't become a lawyer and instead have recently taken up cartooning I know you're proud of me because you now think I'm as good an artist as Picasso :-) Thank you for always valuing brains, a healthy, holistic lifestyle and imperfect, natural and true beauty. You are a living inspiration to me and I'm grateful with all my heart that you are my mother.

Love,
Your daughter

is GGirl.

I have to tell you, I'm pretty excited about my Private Jet Aircraft cartoon:

I only wish! it were socially acceptable for a nearly 30 year old woman to wear heart-shaped sunglasses.

We always suspected cocaine use in this apt but the nerve to put it on flagrant display like this!!

We knew this was a cry for help so we swept it up and left him alone.

Look at this beauty:

Complete with an offensive female character hanging from it:

And here's the scooper, a real worker bee!!

I'm enrolling people in my 'ear cleaner rotation program' so if you want to give it a go, send me your contact info!

Since Google isn't allowing drug advertisements anymore I couldn't use this cartoon for KeywordCartoons so here it is. Enjoy!

Did I just invent the greatest saying or what?! No google search returns so consider it an AndreaHarner.com original.

The energy it requires to be an inventor such as myself is exhausting.

Hellllloooo sophisticated, sexy AndreaHarner.com readers!!

I'm very excited to announce my new project KeywordCartoons featuring the adventures of a cute, weird and monstruous little purple-haired girl named GGirl!

While my obsession with cartooning was developing, so was my sense that I'm like a border collie!, desperate for fun! and challenging tasks! so voila! I've been tasked with drawing a daily cartoon inspired by the most valuable words and concepts on the Internet. Thanks to Jonah for transforming me into a border collie.

You can visit KeywordCartoons for brand new daily cartoons or follow a link to the latest installment where they will appear daily right here on AndreaHarner.com. I hope you enjoy the trials, tribulations and twisted thoughts of GGirl!

Concept: Jonah Peretti
Cartoons: Andrea Harner
Code: Andy Yaco-Mink

I really hope Google supports me on this project - we'll have to wait and see!

As I child I flew a lot and fortunately, most often on Singapore Airlines. While that airline still seems like the best, I discovered a pretty cool airline flying from LA to Honolulu...can you guess which one??

Hawaiian Air!! Where everything is purple!

I saved these purple utensils and put them on my mantel and gaze over at them and cry with joy every few days:

HAWAII!!!

The light!!

Darker:

Dark:

Green:

Greener:

Aaaahhh:

You kill me!

With such pretty pay phones it's no wonder you'd be a meth dealer conducting business from these phones and contributing to the horrific meth (aka ice) problem in Hawaii.

This was the beach, Waikiki Beach, that we couldn't go in because it was contaminated from a recent sewage spill:

Me and my bro, he's tanning, I'm hiding:

There are a lot of old limos that are used as cabs in Hawaii.

First in the series of limo as background is me and the OG (my ojichan-godfather that Jonah nicknamed the OG as in Original Gangster):

Me and my dear obachan-godmother, the classiest, most lovely lady I've ever known:

Me and Syuri, my older godbrother Hiromi's extremely precocious and charming four year old daughter:

Series: Syuri modeling hats in limo:

You have a lot of series in this post, you say?

Yes!!

One of two in the series of her shoving stuff up her nose. She was after my heart:

I only used this earplug once after she did this. And then I threw them out!

The tall building behind the Louis Vuitton store was my favorite.

This is what Syuri thinks of that building and my commentary on it:

This is a Monkey Pod tree. It's the OG of trees.

First in the series of 'When you ask a random person to take a photo for you they'll often suck at it'. What's that space to the right??

My signature shot:

Ed and Syuri had a swingin' time!

Swinging makes Syuri dizzy:

Really dizzy:

Pineapples come from the ground and not from trees, people!

Brave demonstration for size:

On the biggest tourist trap of an attraction, the Dole Pineapple Plantation Train Tour, I saw the thinnest farmer and horse I've ever seen:

Syuri checking out Ed's panties:

She wouldn't let go:

They made up quickly as everyone should after getting sexually harassed:

And rolled around in bed. Let's hope this is the most rolling around in bed with a boy that Syuri does for a loooong time:

On a road trip to the North Shore...you gotta install the Japanese speaking navigation system!

Americans in the back:

Rainbow front and center!

Tards at Kaihlua Beach:

My younger (of my two godbrothers) godbrother Yasushi, his very tanned skin and two bright floaty things:

Me, my bro and Yasushi's fiance Keiko whom we met for the first time on this trip. Don't worry, we liked her otherwise we would have drowned her.

White smiling girl and Dark smiling guy:

Why do I look pale?

Keiko and Yasushi, very cute and very near:

Keiko and Yasushi, very far:

Garlic Shrimp on the North Shore!!

Truly delicious, shell and all:

Second in the 'When you ask a random person to take a photo for you they'll often suck at it' series.

Here's the OG on the Beach series.

As eyes can tell, the beach is his element:

Look! It's like we're in Japan!

Ramen!

And more ramen! There can never be enough!

Japanese porno. $60 a pop. It's expensive for the good stuff!

Sweet statue:

Scratch & Sniff it:

Here we are, looking like it's me, my husband and daughter!

Sometimes you forget to zoom back out:

Fancy diner and dinner:

My brother got so spoiled on this trip that he refused to ride with us and rented his own limo to "stretch out his arms and legs". I quickly took a picture before I went back to the other limo:

I fought to have him share his limo to the airport with me:

My godmother and Syuri had folded cranes and instead of throwing them out, my godmother wrote a very elegant note thanking the hotel staff and asking them to please enjoy the cranes - you can't make up this classiness and kindness.

So let me piggyback off that and say thanks for enduring this neverending post!

As I was packing to leave, I stubbed my little toe, the nail cracked in half right down the middle (I would never spare you the important details, my fine fans - photos to follow. JK Rowling!) and blood spurted out all over the hotel carpet.

When asked to take off my shoes at airport security (of course I had on my gladiator resembling birkenstocks that you can't hide anything in - they're silver btw) I pointed at my feeble toe and said, "My toenail cracked in half so I don't think I should get it near this floor."

And that was it!!

I highly recommend nearly destroying your pinky toe to avoid the nonsense and nuisance of taking your shoes off for airport security.

It makes me so sad to see Hare Krishna evangelists at airports. I know it could be worse and they could have those vacant eyes and be heroin addicts. And I know that from their perspective they've found 'the truth'. I still can't help but feel deeply distraught by the fact that I didn't get to brainwash them into being my unpaid personal assistants before the Hare Krishnas got to them.

I woke up this morning and said to Jonah, I dreamed about Top Chef last night! That aggressively annoying character Stephen was proving all that he knew, the other character so and so were doing blah blah blah and then the judges were like this and that" and Jonah replied, "Congratulations, your mind has been colonized by TV".

And that is just one of the gazillion reasons I love my hubby :-)

For making me look like this:

Notice my red inflamed skin on my face versus my non rash skin on my neck:

It itches like hell:

And continues to itch:

And itch:

Here are the ingredients - let's try figuring out which is the problem! I have my money on the parabens.

Purified water (aqua), glycerin, cetyl ricinoleate, isohexadecane, ceresin, glyceryl stearate, water. titanium dioxide (C177891), propylene glycol, styrene acrylates copolymer, hydrolyzed corn starch, ammonium hydroxide, phenoxyethanol, methylparaben, ethyl-paraben, butylparaben, propylparaben, isopropyl lauroyl sarcosinate, sericin, hydroxydecyl ubiquinone (idebenone), sodium PCA, steareth-2, PEG-60 hydrogenated castor oil, PEG-100 stearate, glycosaminoglycans, linoleic acid, linolenic acid, tocopherol, millet (panicum miliaceum) extract, cholesterol, ceramide III, dimethicone, PEG-50 dipolyhydroxystearate, magnesium aluminum silicate, xanthan gum, cetyl hydroxy-ethylcellulose, disodium EDTA, BHT, diazolidinyl urea, methylparaben, propylparaben.