ok, now you've got me - i love this whole state of feminism thread you've got going lately. i'm not engaged - yet - but i can say that once i 'settled down' and moved in with my boyfriend i did percieve more of an acceptance, esp. from my slightly older co-workers. a sort of 'ok, you're one of us now', which i suppose makes sense. but that doesn't make it any easier for me to swallow. it's like there was judgment all along of the single me, but no one was willing to be straight about it, and now that i'm more legit - and with a guy more permanently - they can relax and let me in. hmph. and i TRULY don't know what's going on with all this talk about traditional roles coming back, and young educated women yammering away about how they're going to toss their Yale JDs to be stay at home moms. do we really forget that quickly?! i thought we already agreed that women found it limiting to have only one option - the domestic sphere. if you've got the chance to diversify your life, you're not going to go for it? to each his own i guess, but a "choice" like that seems like it's coming from a place of fear, not rational thought. unfortunately i don't think we can just chock this up to personal preference. and i thought the whole idea was that we shouldn't have to choose - that you can have both a career and a family - but here's the key - there's got to be support for that change! i think one of the reasons young smart girls are choosing to stay at home is because there really isn't any support for the domestic work when women aren't doing it. as long as there's not adequate child care (in terms of cost and quality) there will never really be progress for womens options. (apps for the rant and horrid grammar - the dowd article has sparked some fierce "debate", esp. amongst me and the soon to be in-laws of my age, and i when i saw your post, i had just about had it!) great blog, btw.

I totally agree. Maureen Dowd brings up great points about the lack of choices for women who want to move up. It boils down to moving up without a family or having a family and being on the slow track.

Even with good child care, it's tough. I used to work 80+ hour weeks. I had cleaning lady for my apartment, ordered take-out daily, and had a nanny for my daughter. My daughter seemed happy and well adjusted. After being laid off and spending some time with my daughter, I went through a serious re-evaluation of my priorities. Now I choose to work 40 to 45 hours a week and make about 1/2 of what I made several years ago. I spend time with my daughter every day and we both enjoy it very much. She told me recently that she was always sad that I was never home when she was younger. Women should continue to strive for equality, but for women with children (especially single women) there are VERY difficult choices to make surrounding career and family time. I think what it boils down to is that equal opportunity and treatment doesn't - and shouldn't - mean exact sameness. Men and women will never be the SAME even when we're EQUAL.

I hope that made as much sense in writing as it did in my head. :)

Oh, and on the rings issue... I think it is true that the rings have an effect on people's perception of a woman. When I finally separated from my ex and took off my wedding ring, I definitely noticed people treating me differently. What's interesting to me though is that I _liked_ it much more than the way I was perceived/treated with the ring _on_!

Hi Andrea,

I think you're misreading the article a little bit. She writes that she felt an unexpected sense of "relief" yes, but the emphasis seems to be more on what she says right after that "But at the same time, it irritated me, just like, ‘If I wasn’t okay then, I’m not okay now.’"

To be honest, it scares me when I hear intelligent women like you confess that they enjoy the social acceptance that marriage gives to them. Like the first comment above I just can't support the rising trends of voluntary re-domestification of women. And by allowing yourself to be validated by these backward-looking norms, this beckons the return of the 50s housewife where a woman's identity is determined by her husband.

Of course, I'm single and so I have my own biases on this matter but if I get married, while I may not be able to change how others perceive me, I only hope that it will not fundamentally change how I think of myself and my place in the world outside.

maureen Dawd brings up horrible points. What a sad way to live. But we all disagree on things.

I love this site for the photography. I think it's top notch.

Just live in the "now" and forget all that shit.

oh, and listen to heavy metal.

I love you all.

my theory is that women are more likely to accept other women who are also married/engaged b/c they no longer see them as competition. the - they've already found man, so they won't steal mine concept. sadly and cynically, it's nothing to do with joining the club of shared experience, or anything supportive and communal, but rather domesticated women cause less trouble in the world:)

I think it's more an issue of how you perceive yourself. When you put the ring on it is natural to feel relief for any number of very good reasons. For one thing, having a mate that is plugged in to life and willing to work and build a future with you is a definate life changer and something to celebrate.

That being said, marriage can make us forget that we are all fundamentally alone and will face our own deaths alone. Single women (and men) have to be self-reliant with no one to take the reins when they stumble and fall.

Single women like my sister who build lives filled with great food, adventures and fellowship, take my breath away. If she were to get married I would be happy for her of course, but a bittersweet happy, because her life looks so free and perfect from the outside.

HMT, I think I love you. :p